Thursday, March 13, 2008

Power Struggle No More!

To paraphrase Albert Einstein, a problem cannot be solved within the same framework that created it. This applies to stressful situations as well, especially interpersonal ones. If there is some dynamic between you and another person that is driving you crazy, pushing your buttons, or stressing you out and all you know to do about it is more of the same, instead of resolving the problem, you may be unconsciously creating, maintaining, or making it worse by your actions or perceptions. This is when it is helpful to take a different approach and/or look at it from a different perspective. It helps to think outside the box and just do something, anything differently to break the pattern you're stuck in.

For example, say what's stressing you is that you're in a power struggle in a work or love relationship. You're sure you are right or have the best way to do something. You're stressed out because the other person doesn't see or agree with the brilliant solution you have in mind. They insist instead on having it there way and their way is WRONG! So, you're thinking they must be an idiot, a monster, an insensitive dolt or a stubborn cuss. In other words, you think THEY are the problem and if only THEY would change, see the error of their ways, take your advice, and do what you want, things would be fine.

Good luck and don't hold your breath. If this standoff has been going on awhile, they are probably thinking the same thing about you! When what you're doing is not getting you where you want to go, it is clearly time for YOU to take a different approach. All you really have control of, and can therefore change, is your actions and responses to a situation.

One option is to do nothing or back off temporarily. Setting aside a struggle or pulling back can sometimes give you a new perspective and fresh energy to handle things differently. A Beatles song lyric comes to mind: "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be." Yes, sometimes it is wise to just let things be. Just breaking the pattern of responding to a problem the same way each time it comes up will give you the opportunity to have new solutions arise.

Instead of the full court press to prove that your way is the"right" way, try pulling back and listening more than talking. If you stop, listen, and considering the problem from the other person's perspective, a new perspective and solution may arise. Try asking yourself, "what's the merit in their solution/position?" In this way you start to move toward understanding of and empathy for their side of things. Instead of making them wrong for holding to a perspective, ask yourself, "what is right about them that they do, believe or want this?"

Especially in love relationships, I encourage you to consider seeking an alternative to proving that you're RIGHT and they are WRONG., Try to seek compassion and understanding first, then trust and accept that you are both doing the best you can at the time with the information that you have.

I like what David Richo, Ph.D., author of When Love Meets Fear: How to Become Defense-Less and Resource-Full, writes and suggest this set of affirmations would be a good place to start:
I am paying close attention to you now.
I accept you as you are in the moment.
I allow you to be yourself.
I appreciate you for what you have been and are.
I have real affection for you, no matter what.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and motivational speaker with offices in Carbondale, IL and St. Louis, MO