The Value of Friendship

Why is it so hard to write about friendship as a therapist? I think it is partly because the nature of friendships are changing as society changes. The other thing I hear in both my friendship circle and my clinical practice is a pervasive sense of loneliness, social isolation and lack of meaningful connections between people. True and enduring friendships seem more like a rarity these days, not something we can take for granted. People come to me not knowing how or where to find and form friendships. Plus, when there is a break or misunderstanding in a friendship, people tend to report more distress over that than a fight with a spouse. Maybe we have forgotten how to be friends. Maybe we're too self-focused and self-centered, worried about whether our needs are being met, rather than focusing on what we have to give to a friend.

Friendship is often idealized and romanticized. Great philosophers, authors, and songwriters have pondered the meaning and joy of friendship for centuries. "The only way to have a friend is to be one," says Ralph Waldo Emerson. Robert Louis Stevenson asserts, "A friend is a gift you give yourself." Songwriter Carol King wrote "You've Got a Friend," describing how friends are there for you, "when you're down and troubled and you need some loving care and nothing, nothing is going right." An unknown author wrote, "A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, chaff and grain alike. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."

Certainly friendships that nurture and support are to be cherished, but are friendships always about making each other feel good? Are they just "mutual admiration societies?" In some cases friendships are also about challenging each other to grow and develop. The intimacy that goes with good friendships can beenlivening, but the challenges of friendships can also be stressful. When we have intimacy, as in "into-me-see," we want the best for and from our friends. We want them to reach their full potential, realize their dreams and overcome their limitations. This is poignantly stated by Henry Ward Beecher, who said, "It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tellyour friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship." Victor Frankl describes what I think of as the innate challenge of a great friendship. He writes, "No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By the spiritual act of love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, that which is not yet actualized, but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he helps make these potentialities come true." If you have friends that challenge you to grow and evolve, you are lucky indeed. In Buddhism, such friendships are called “ kalyana mittata”. In Christianity they are called “spiritual friends.”

What do psychologists have to contribute to the understanding and development of friendships? Psychologists study the relationship between social support and the ability to manage stress. In short, friends help you to deal with stress better. Further, the quality of your friendship circle is a rough predictor of the state of your mental health. Friends are like money in the bank or a garden - something you invest in and tend and that you to draw upon in times of need. A well developed friendship circle suggests a well-rounded life and the ability to weather life's challenges better.

Psychologists also study the gender differences in friendship between men and woman. Research shows that both men and women turn to our friends when we are stressed. However, what we seek from our friends in times of joy and stress differ by gender. Generally, when women form friendships with other women, we are looking for nurturance and emotional intimacy. When we woman point to our best friends, it is more likely to be someone whom we confide in, someone whom we express and explore our feelings with, and someone who knows the good and bad in our character...and who loves us anyway. Yes, we may spend time shopping or dining together, but the point isn't the sharedactivity as much as it is the chance to talk. Men, on the other hand, often base their friendships with other men on companionship through shared activities and talk about mutual interests. They travel, go running or fishing together. They do business or share chores together in a companionable way. Their conversation is more topical than emotionally intimate.

Psychologists also study the age old question, "can men and women be 'just friends'?" When men and woman are 'just friends' studies report that men rate their friendships with woman as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment, and nurturance than their friendships with men. Most women report that their friendships with men are less intimate than their relationships with other women. For their most intimate friendships, women still turn to each other. What woman report enjoying about their friendships with men are lighthearted banter and a big brotherly kind of warmth and protectiveness. The best part of having a man for a friend is the insight into what men really think and feel.

Studies indicate that male-female friendships are less common and less likely as you age, than same-gender friendships. Times are changing however. Men and women are not tied to traditionally stereotypical roles and behaviors anymore. As we become more androgynous, in other words, as men become more nurturing and self-expressive and woman become more independent and assertive, the number of our friendships with the opposite sex double. Also because there are more women in the workforce and participating in formerly male dominated careers and activities, stereotypes and gender boundaries break down. The potential for friendships between men and woman increase because we are intermingling more. Still, it remains more difficult to negotiate friendships between men and woman because of the potential for sexual attraction. Enduring friendships between men and women tend to be the ones where the issue of sexual attraction and the creation of a boundary around that aspect of their friendship is mutually agreed upon early on. Despite the movie, When Harry Met Sally, sex isn't always the agenda, especially if one or both parties are involved in another romantic relationship, are gay, or there is a lack of physical attraction.

What's interesting is that a survey of 1,450 people on Match.com think what the scientists say here is all bunk. What do you think?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and motivational speaker with offices in Carbondale, IL and St. Louis, MO

Power Struggle No More!

To paraphrase Albert Einstein, a problem cannot be solved within the same framework that created it. This applies to stressful situations as well, especially interpersonal ones. If there is some dynamic between you and another person that is driving you crazy, pushing your buttons, or stressing you out and all you know to do about it is more of the same, instead of resolving the problem, you may be unconsciously creating, maintaining, or making it worse by your actions or perceptions. This is when it is helpful to take a different approach and/or look at it from a different perspective. It helps to think outside the box and just do something, anything differently to break the pattern you're stuck in.

For example, say what's stressing you is that you're in a power struggle in a work or love relationship. You're sure you are right or have the best way to do something. You're stressed out because the other person doesn't see or agree with the brilliant solution you have in mind. They insist instead on having it there way and their way is WRONG! So, you're thinking they must be an idiot, a monster, an insensitive dolt or a stubborn cuss. In other words, you think THEY are the problem and if only THEY would change, see the error of their ways, take your advice, and do what you want, things would be fine.

Good luck and don't hold your breath. If this standoff has been going on awhile, they are probably thinking the same thing about you! When what you're doing is not getting you where you want to go, it is clearly time for YOU to take a different approach. All you really have control of, and can therefore change, is your actions and responses to a situation.

One option is to do nothing or back off temporarily. Setting aside a struggle or pulling back can sometimes give you a new perspective and fresh energy to handle things differently. A Beatles song lyric comes to mind: "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be." Yes, sometimes it is wise to just let things be. Just breaking the pattern of responding to a problem the same way each time it comes up will give you the opportunity to have new solutions arise.

Instead of the full court press to prove that your way is the"right" way, try pulling back and listening more than talking. If you stop, listen, and considering the problem from the other person's perspective, a new perspective and solution may arise. Try asking yourself, "what's the merit in their solution/position?" In this way you start to move toward understanding of and empathy for their side of things. Instead of making them wrong for holding to a perspective, ask yourself, "what is right about them that they do, believe or want this?"

Especially in love relationships, I encourage you to consider seeking an alternative to proving that you're RIGHT and they are WRONG., Try to seek compassion and understanding first, then trust and accept that you are both doing the best you can at the time with the information that you have.

I like what David Richo, Ph.D., author of When Love Meets Fear: How to Become Defense-Less and Resource-Full, writes and suggest this set of affirmations would be a good place to start:
I am paying close attention to you now.
I accept you as you are in the moment.
I allow you to be yourself.
I appreciate you for what you have been and are.
I have real affection for you, no matter what.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and motivational speaker with offices in Carbondale, IL and St. Louis, MO

The Valiant Struggle

I was struggling to write this column. After 2-3 years of writing about stress I was feeling like I was running out of ideas. How many ways can I spin stress management? So I got thinking about what I've learned from my clients about facing life and dealing with stress. Mostly I've learned about the strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity. I thought I'd share a little of that with you.

I've seen a lot of things in my 17+ years of doing psychotherapy. I've seen tremendously strong people come into my office thinking they are weak because they do not always have a grip on their emotions. I've seen smiling people dissolve into a puddle of hidden grief no one would suspect. I've seen competent people make poor choices that derail a successful career or marriage. I've seen analytical people hamstrung by anxiety that they cannot think themselves out of. I've seen people in intense emotional pain wonder if they really need therapy. I've seen people struggling with chronic illness, chronic depression, chronic anxiety, and chronic abuse struggle with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I've seen families wrecked by the tragedy of suicide. I've seen marriages teetering on the brink of dissolution because of violence, betrayal, immaturity or just plain indifference. In short, I've seen people who were so defeated by life that they didn't think they would ever see another happy day.

By the time people get to my doorstep, they are sometimes so full of despair that hope seems like a painfully distant wish. They are at the end of what they know to do, even if they've read all the self-help books in the world. I've seen young people come in with a long list of medications that they are taking to help them manage their emotional problems....to know avail. I frankly wonder how they are able to stay awake and function at all. I see people who believe they are trapped in unfulfilling jobs, marriages and lives. I've seen people who are so afraid of other people that they haven't had a date or an intimate relationship.....ever. I've heard stories of how people were abused, beaten, raped and sometimes left for dead by the very people that were supposed to love and care for them. I've heard cries of anguish, gasping sobs of unbearable grief, and shrieks of terror that lie hidden beneath the social facades we present to the world.

My clients will often ask me, how do I sit day after day, year after year listening to such depressing stories and not go home depressed myself. Well, I'll tell you this: I am in awe of my clients. Yes, I think, no wait....I KNOW that the people who come for help are the most courageous people I've ever had the privilege to know. Within the confines of my office, I've heard the worst stories of what one human being can do to another from the survivors, who still wonder if they "made it all up."

Yes, I want to help people who are in pain, but first I want to RESPECT their pain and what they had to do to survive emotionally and sometimes physically. By respecting their pain, what I mean is that I take it very seriously. I don't care if their pain is the emotional equivalent of a hang nail or a crucifixion, it is pain and it is theirs to deal with. Pain is pain. In this, size doesn't matter. Second, I know from my experience of being with clients who struggle courageously to come to terms with what life has given them, that hope is not only possible, but it's a certainty. I don't GIVE my clients hope or strength to face the challenges they wrestle with. I watch and listen while they FIND it within themselves, within their story, and within their struggle. Without a doubt, any person who looks within and who dives deeply enough into what seems like intractable pain will find the source of their hope within themselves. I've seen this so many times, I look forward to it. I can't really predict when it will happen or what will trigger it. I just know it will come. Sometimes I see it dawning; sometimes it's a complete surprise. However it comes, it feels like....grace. Like that person has been moved by something larger than their pain, their woundedness, larger than their personal history and larger than their conscious resources. When that day comes, there's still work to be done, but a corner has been turned. Things start to change gradually or suddenly.

What I first notice is my clients start discussing their choices in term of "the old me" vs. "the new me." Certainly something new has been born and just like a baby, it doesn't get up and run marathons the first day. It has to learn to creep, crawl, and toddle before it walks, but at least it's moving...moving towards the light of hope.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and motivational speaker with offices in Carbondale, IL and St. Louis, MO