Saturday, January 24, 2009

Resilience and the Human Spirit

I want to write about resiliency and the human spirit because that's what I witness every day in my work as a therapist. Nobody taught me about this in graduate school. Nobody talks about spirit at all in graduate school, but I tell you, it's the thing that gets us through tough times and what helps people endure unbelievable suffering and live to tell about it. It's what lifts people up. It's what makes us strive. It's what gives hope wings. It's the source of all optimism. It's the mysterious strength we all have - the ability to endure anything, dream anything and accomplish great things.

In the face of the human spirit, I am left with more questions than answers. Where does it come from? Is it nature or nurture? Are we born with it or is it something we learn and develop? Is it a gift given to us from above or from another human being?

It appears to me that some people are just "old souls" born with inherent wisdom and strength of spirit. Others among us are going to "the school of hard knocks" on the way to wisdom. Hopefully, in the school of hard knocks we have loving mentors, friends, parents, and teachers who will guide, support and challenge us to make the learning stick and point the way.

Life is difficult enough, but it you experienced abuse, neglect, life threatening illness, early death of a parent, or were a victim of a crime, I hope you had at least one genuinely loving person in your life to show you that not all people hurt you, not everyone will abandon you, to witness your tears, and who explained to you that illness and death are not punishments, but just life making room for new people to have their turn. Love makes you resilient. Love mends the ruptures of life. Love infuses your spirit with the strength it needs to survive, sail and soar.

Often, but not always, the people who shows up in my office have had some pretty awful things happen to them in the past. Well intending friends and family will advise them to forget the past. "What's done is done. Forget about it and move on," they hear. They come to me wondering what's wrong with them that they can't forget the past. What they need is some loving attention while they grieve and a place to tell what it was really like to have their experiences.

Sometimes, I ask them "what's right with you that you can't forget the past? What's trying to complete itself?" What's not done is the grief work that allows the human spirit to heal, accept and embrace life with new interest. The classic grief cycle needs to be completed. To deny the emotional impact of the past or a loss is to live stuck in denial.

Being in denial is awful. Being in denial is not resiliency. Being stuck in denial about the effects of past hurts is like living in a time warp. You react and respond to the present from the template of the past. You are not present or in the present. I like to say about life, "You must be present to win." To get into the present and truly release the past, you have to grieve. For the resilience to return to the human spirit, the path it takes is grief.

Grieving isn't alot of fun; but denial takes you out of the game of life and makes you sit on the sidelines of life. The early stage of "bargaining," i.e. "If I could have ____ back, I would be good" is denial gasping its last breath. When denial breaks, tears cleanse and anger revives the self-esteem. Acceptance and forgiveness come at the end of grief, not at the beginning, and give birth to hope. At the end of grief, life renews itself. When grief is finished, you have the opportunity to see how awe-full and awe filled life can be!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and motivational speaker with offices in Carbondale, IL and St. Louis, MO